


Drink Away Headaches

by cissathebookworm



Series: Me, You, and Bucky Too (AKA Phil Coulson and Nick Fury Get too Many Heart Attacks) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Fantastic Four (Movies 2005-2007), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, alcohol consumption on screen, i gotta tell you that this story is utter crack and not to be taken seriously, no editing because we die like men, steve rogers and johnny storm are twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 02:56:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissathebookworm/pseuds/cissathebookworm
Summary: "Phil blames Johnny. To be fair, Phil blames Johnny for many things, but in this case, he feels entirely justified. Phil doesn’t have proof, but he’s absolutely certain that it was Johnny who convinced Steve to take Bucky out for brunch at IHOP during brunch prime time."OR the recently brought back to the side of good Hydra assassin is taken out into public before SHIELD gives Steve and Johnny the green light and gives everyone at SHIELD a headache.





	Drink Away Headaches

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third (very cracky) installment of Me, You, and Bucky Too that absolutely no one asked for. The idea just struck me so I decided to write it down real quick and publish it. Nothing is to be taken seriously and I'm 100% certain that everyone is OOC. Finally, please DO NOT repost without my permission but reccing is completely fine.

As he stares at the scene before him, Phil mournfully thinks back to earlier in the day when the world was still blissfully ignorant of the fact that Bucky Barnes was alive and perhaps the world’s longest-held POW. Phil doesn’t even want to venture onto the internet to see what the reaction of the world is. He’ll gladly leave that to a SHIELD agent whose entire job is combing through social media platforms. 

 

It all began earlier that day when Bucky Barnes was released into the custody of Steve and Johnny Rogers on a temporary trial basis. Phil shoulda known that everything would go to hell in a handbasket the second the release forms were signed. Steve and Johnny were supposed to take Bucky to the pre-prepared safe house where they would slowly acclimate Bucky to living Hydra-free while some SHIELD paper-pushers prepared all the legal paperwork to bring Bucky back from the dead and other agents worked out the appropriate press conference material to ease the public into the idea of Bucky being alive and the Winter Soldier, one of the world’s deadliest assassins, but also a POW that should be treated humanely. They were going to get him a pardon and everything before they released him into the wilds of Manhattan. 

 

Phil blames Johnny. To be fair, Phil blames Johnny for many things, but in this case, he feels entirely justified. Phil doesn’t have proof, but he’s absolutely certain that it was Johnny who convinced Steve to take Bucky out for brunch at IHOP during brunch prime time. Phil cringes as he hears Nick’s furious roaring in the conference room down the hall and is very glad that he’s not on the receiving end. 

 

Maria slinks into the room and sinks into the fabric of the ratty sofa. She palms at her eyes and groans in frustration. “They’re idiots.” 

 

Phil makes a sound of agreement, “Not that I’m disagreeing, but who exactly are we referring to right now?” 

 

“The dunder twins,” Maria makes herself comfortable and looks pitifully over at Phil, “The paperwork timeline has moved up and people in the legal department are sending me so many emails complaining that they’ll have to work overtime every day this week to get everything straightened out. Why do we keep those two around again?” 

 

Phil shrugs, “One’s a national treasure and the other’s the national treasure’s brother? We keep Johnny around because Steve would riot if we put Johnny back on ice?” Phil offers a few more silly suggestions, causing Maria to snort in laughter and further relax into the sofa. 

 

When Nick walks into the room a few quiet minutes later, Phil pulls out a brandy from his desk stash and pours them all a glass. Nick downs it in one long gulp and Phil obediently pours him another, which Nick then nurses. Maria sighs from her perch and waves her leg around while trying to get comfortable again, causing Phil to frantically pull the piles of paperwork closer to himself and away from the edge of the desk and out of kicking range. 

 

“We should really switch to electronic paperwork,” Maria comments as she surveys Phil’s overflowing inbox, “Why haven’t we again?” 

 

Nick grunts, “Security reasons.” 

 

A tutting sound comes from the vents as Clint drops down into the room, “What a lame reason.” Clint swipes Phil’s glass and sips at the brandy, “Have any of you seen Natasha?” At their negatory responses, Clint sags in relief and pushes Maria over to sit on the sofa with her, “Good. She seems to be in a rampaging mood because of the twins and Barnes.” 

 

“Aren’t we all?” Phil mutters. 

 

“I’ll drink to that,” Maria replies and does just that, “What did you do with those three, anyway?” 

 

Everyone looks towards Nick and he shrugs nonchalantly and takes another drink of the brandy, “I shoved them in the same room as the legal department and told them to fix their own goddamned mess.” 

 

“You didn’t,” Maria shakes her head in disbelief. 

 

“You’re right, I also shoved Natasha in there.” 

 

Clint makes a face as if all the mysteries of the world have been solved, “So that’s why she’s so pissed off.”

 

“Yup,” Nick says into his drink. 

 

A few minutes later Natasha storms into the office, steals Clint’s glass and shoves him off the sofa. She finishes the brandy and brandishes it towards Phil for a refill. He dutifully does so and pours Clint and Maria another glass as well. “You okay, Natasha?” Maria asks, “Did the boys do something else stupid?” 

 

“I decided to leave them to the mercy of the lawyers. I think the lawyers are looking for blood. I suggested they call Murdock and Nelson if they needed to go to court with anything because Murdock is the same brand of crazy as Rogers and Storm and I assume he’d be able to handle the twins,” Natasha curls into the sofa like a cat.  

 

“I’ll drink to that,” Maria raises her glass and downs the last few drops. 

 

The group looks towards the door in mild concern as they hear a crash followed by one of the lawyers scolding some poor, unsuspecting soul. “Do you think if we just ignored it, it’ll be fixed by tomorrow morning?” Clint asks thoughtfully. 

 

“I know a place in Harlem that has great burgers and a good selection of artisanal beers,” Maria offers. The group only takes a second before they’re out the door and on their way to Harlem. Phil is blissfully unaware of the fact that in the rush to evacuate the office, Clint accidentally upset the stacks of paperwork and sent them crashing to the floor in a jumbled mess. The next morning when Phil arrives back to his office, he’ll mournfully look at what was once organized stacks of paperwork now spread haphazardly across his office floor and curse Johnny Storm’s name. 


End file.
